policemen. A policeman >> is a composite of what all men are, I guess, a mingling of saint and sinner, dust and deity. Called statistics, wave the fan over stinkers seem to be okay. >> Underscore instances of dishonesty and brutality because they are news. What that really means is that they are exceptional. They are unusual. They are not common place. buried under the froth is the fact >> and the fact is that less than 1 half of 1% of policemen misfit that uniform and that is a better average than you'd find among clergymen. >> Your friend wanted you to bring this back to him. >> Where'd you get it from? >> What is a policeman? >> He of all men is at once the most needed >> and the most wanted. >> A strangely nameless creature who is sir to his face and pig or worse behind his back. >> Tell me what's going on, man. He must be such a diplomat that he can settle differences between individuals so that each will think he won. But >> if a policeman is neat, he's conceited. If he's careless, he's a bum. If he's pleasant, he's a flirt. If he's not, he's a grouch. He must make instant decisions which would require months for a lawyer. But if he hurries, he's careless. If he's deliberate, he's lazy. He must be first to an accident infallible with a diagnosis. He must be able to start breathing. Stop bleeding, tie splints, and above all, be sure the victim goes home without a limp or expect to be sued. >> The police officer must know every gun, draw on the run, and hit >> where it doesn't hurt. >> He must be able to whip two men twice his size and half his age without damaging his uniform and without being brutal. >> Good morning. How are you? >> If you hit him, he's a coward. If he hits you, he's a bully. A policeman must know everything and not tell. He must know where all of the sin is and not partake. The policeman from a single human hair must be able to describe the crime, the weapon, the criminal, and tell you where the criminal is hiding. But if he catches the criminal, he's lucky. If he doesn't, he's a dunce. If he gets promoted, he has a political pull. If he doesn't, he's a dollarard. The policeman must chase bum leads to a dead end, stake out 10 nights to tag one witness who saw it happen but refuses to remember. He runs files and writes reports until his eyes ache to build a case against some felon who will get dealed out by a shameless Sheamus or an honorable who isn't honorable. The policeman must be a minister, a social worker, a diplomat, a tough guy, and a gentleman. And of course, he'll have to be a genius because he'll have to feed a family on a policeman's [music] salary.